Thursday, February 2, 2017

On the Struggle Bus

Y'all... (I don't really say that but it seemed like the right word to start...) I have been riding the struggle bus big time for the last 36 hours or so. I don't really know what brought it on, but starting about noontime yesterday, I slipped into super self-conscious,anxiety mode.

I felt like a fraud. Like at any moment, someone was going to realize that I'm not actually good at my job; I'm not really a good mom; I don't really have my sh*t together. And when my mind goes there, my body follows.

There's only one thing I know to do when I feel like this. Sweat it out. Push myself. Challenge my strength physically and mentally. So that's what I did.

I headed to the garage at about 8:15 last night, after an unusually long, drawn out bedtime for baby boy (because, of course...). I was tired, but I made myself do it. I needed the endorphins - my medicine.

I went to bed feeling only slightly better.

When I woke up this morning, I felt exhausted. So tired, I planted myself on the couch at 5am to watch the news and almost didn't even get up to get my coffee when it was done brewing. Yep - that tired. But I made myself do it.

Thursday is a running day for me. I could hardly even think about getting out there to run. But after I drank my coffee, I made myself do it. I needed it. I needed to remind myself that I can do anything if I decide I'm going to do it.

My run felt more difficult than usual - partly sore legs, but mostly just a mental struggle. I started out slow, but finally got it in gear, and got it done.



I came back feeling a lot better - about 70% back to me.

For the rest of the day, I cranked out some work, with a break thrown in for a walk with the kiddos (I worked from home today).

Toward the end of the day, I got invited to attend a meeting in Indianapolis on Wednesday and it was just what I need to push me closer to 100% confidence. (Is anyone ever really 100% confident though?!) It was a reminder that yes, I am good at my job (though not perfect). I am a good mom (though not perfect). And I do have *most* of my sh*t together.

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I have at least done 3 things right!

And now this is me, getting off the struggle bus at the end of the day - red wine and dark chocolate in hand.

Goodnight! 😌

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